I should not be allowed on the Internet

You know that guy in the corner or on an empty bench or perhaps on top of a roof sitting all by herself, who you would hardly notice except that it’s kind of hard to ignore her when she's throwing eraser bits or hard pieces of stale bred or roof tiles at you? Yeah, that would be me. All three of them. Yes, at once, because I am omnipotent like God or Liechenstein. No, you idiot! I’m being sarcastic, so no need to sacrifice- wait. On second thought, yeah. Yeah, I am God. Bring me a human virgin of twenty years, preferably male. No, on second thought, scratch that. Not a virgin. Someone with a nice load of experience and enough intelligence to know how to use protection, because AIDS? Not nearly as funny when you're the one with it. Oh, and he better be attractive or else I’m calling Jesus and his gang to whoop your ass. Don’t look so incredulous. The Bible may make him out to be some kind of hippie vegan miracle-worker who surrounded himself with men, walked around in a dress and had some kind of disease fetish but make no mistake: my son is badass. He’ll beat you so bad, if you so much as even try to describe it as a beating of “biblical proportions” you’ll burst into tears and puke out your spleen from the memory of your utterly painful and humiliating defeat. Yes, you better fear Jesus. He’s Jesus-fucking-goddamn-Christ. Son of the Lord, messiah, bearer of sins, destroyer of sickness, He-Who-Can-Kill-You-With-A-Disapproving-Frown-And-Then-Bring-You-Back-To-Live-Just-To-Kill-You-Again. Wozah!

Er... Right, where was I again? Ah, yes, I am that guy. No, not Jesus, the other guy! Yes, the... Wait, what? Forget about the not-virgin for a second, would you? I need to get all this crap mapped out so you won’t be totally confused. Well, of course you will be since you lack the inherit intelligence to even understand how to peel a potato without causing harm to yourself, but I’m hoping that some of the others who might take interest in this magnificent tale will be slightly more gifted than you in that department. Hmm? Oh no, I wasn’t insulting you. Honest. Cross my heart and hope you die. Now, on with the narrating.

You see, I’ve never had an easy time fitting in with the regular crowd. You know, “normal” people, and for all they preach about individuality and accepting others as they are on the media, there’s still a certain hierarchy at work in the world of the young and stupid, also known as school. There’s this pecking order in effect at almost every educational institute and the ones on the top of the food chain are the once with the most influence. All the goods; wealth, fame, connections or just some loyal friends who can pull off looking like menacing body guards. Often all of the above give the best results. Depending on what the... shall we say, genre of the top group is, there are many ways for the other groups to branch off. We all know of the typical "snoby cheerleader and jockies" – system, but what if the ruling group were, say, a bunch of goths? How about the gamers? No? Well, there’s always the nerds, the geeks, the art geeks, the emos – well, maybe not. They’d be too busy sobbing about the woe of their existance to take care of school rank – a shitload of other hopefuls and then the countless little misfits. That all tells you whose going to be next in line for the throne. I don’t really have time to explain the whole system, so I’ll just get to the point: all that is a load of bovine feces. Seriously, I'm taking this crap straight out of a cheesy american highschool romance/comedy movie. We don't have a social structure like that in our educational facilities. There is no leading group of idiots terrorising the less fortunate morons. All we have is a bunch of stupid ugly bastards grouping off into these generalised packs, with a couple of utter and complete failures trailing behind and pretending to be proud of the fact that they are so boring and actually smell so horrible that people can't stand to be near them for longer than two minutes. No gang wars, no nerds getting pushed into lockers - hell, we don't even have lockers! - and really, I fit in quite nicely, thank you very something or other. The teachers don't hate me and I do have friends, even though I find them all extremely annoying. I even have a kinda-but-not-quite-best-friend whose loyal in that "I don't have anyone better so I'm sticking with you" sort of way who I can always count on to sit with me on that roof top shimying the roof tiles loose while I concentrate on aiming. Really, my life's pretty satisfactory and I will use it as gloating material every time I run across a bum waking up from a drunken stupor after spending the night in their own pleasantly warm pool of piss and vomit. Some might say that that isn't very nice, to which I usually reply: "Well, of course it's not. At some point it'll cool down and then you'll just wake up cold, wet and smelling like urine and stomache acid."

You'd think I'd get tired of that line, but nope. Still laughing. Wait, what was the point of me telling you all this? Oh, right. Introductions. So, I'm here, I wish I was queer in a way refering to my sexual orientation rather than my personality, and you don't have to get used to it. See? Now we can all be happy. Oh, and that whole spiel about God and Jesus and the awesomeness of? Don't get the wrong idea because of it, I actually think that Christianity sucks. I'd just as well wax poetic about Buddha or Allah or Shiva or Eris(Who is awesomness incarnate, all hail Discordia etc.) and... would you look at that. I didn't really introduce myself at all. Well, maybe next time... But for your sake, I hope not.